It’s a Marathon, Not a Race
People are having all sorts of reactions for how to self-soothe during this time. Some are investing in conspiracy theories (i.e. “this pandemic is a government or the ‘other’ political wing’s plot to control something”). Some are binge-watching the bottom of the barrel shows because they’ve seen all the good ones twice and/or they’re binge eating or drinking out of boredom. Some people are finding old familiar patterns creeping back in. Some are creating alternate realities of routine and structure, but perhaps the resolution-style promises are waning into a more moderate approach. Some are going cross-eyed from video chat marathons between work and friends or family. Some are just tired of social distancing and hypervigilance and loosening boundaries out of fatigue. Most of us are probably doing a combination of most of the above.
Quarantine fatigue is real. The initial warrior mode of hypervigilant hand-sanitation and social distancing has gotten exhausting. People are getting sick and tired of being quarantined or they are literally sick and tired. Either way, this sprint has turned into a marathon. And even if governments open doors, this illness will be a contender for at least a good year or two before herd immunity builds or vaccines are given and life can go back to normal. It’s up to each and every one of us to balance our human need for connection and normalcy against our responsibility to do our part for the greater good.
Right now, although for the greater good, we’ve been deprived of things we take for granted like: touch, social interaction, the freedom of spontaneity, the ability to pop over somewhere or to choose intimacy versus solitude, work and career, access to money and healthcare when we need it most, travel, the ability to build or plan. And, as someone who’s worked with a lot of people recovering from eating disorders, when we get starved we tend to be vulnerable to succumbing to reactive instinctual behavior. Starving leads to binging. So, before we get into binge-starve cycles and make poor choices that endanger ourselves and others, it’s a good idea to take stock of what we are craving and needing and make realistic and safe plans for how to meet those needs with intentional grace.
Plan Before Reacting
Good citizens will have to evaluate, before they’re on empty, which calculated risks are worth need-fulfillment. There’s an acronym in recovery communities that people use before they make decisions: H.A.L.T. which stands for am I Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired? These tend to be the emotional states that can set us up for unconscious or reckless behavior. Before I act recklessly, can I answer H.A.L.T. truthfully so that I can make choices that fulfill my actual needs rather than numb a pain? And, can I be gentle with myself when I just really need to numb pain, but can I do it with less damage rather than more?
Hungry. We need food and water to survive. We need to go to the grocery store or order food from restaurants. Can we do this safely and mitigate risk of exposure to life-threatening illness? Wearing a mask, avoiding touching facial orifices, practicing hand sanitation, keeping physical distance, and staying in open air to decrease viral load exposure are all no-brainers we can be in the habit of long after stores and bars open up. Can we stock up a little extra and plan a little more than we might ordinarily to limit our frequency at stores? Sure. Can we throw out bags and packaging and wash our hands thoroughly before eating take out or drop off? You betcha.
Angry. Anger gets a bad rap in our society, especially if you are a woman. But all emotions are there for a reason. Anger lets us know a boundary has been violated. Someone has either come too close or gone too far away, a social contract has been violated. When we go irate because someone came within six feet of our body bubble during a pandemic, it hits that primal place in our brain for survival. Honor people’s space and right to safety, wait that extra five seconds for someone to get that item off the shelf before plunging forward — seriously, you’re no longer in that much of a hurry. We may be experiencing anger because our freedoms have been impinged upon, but we’re also grown-ups who can do things for the good of other people.
The social and health disparities are even greater right now. People are dying needlessly. All of that is real and anger-producing. Let yourself feel that. Do what you can to help.
We can also just be feeling general irritability because we don’t have enough closeness in our lives right now. This is totally understandable. It can be a feeling we can’t quite pin down because it’s become so pervasive. Anger can often be part of grief. And not having access to lovers, friends, family, even strangers in public spaces, can create a sense of anger, grief, or irritability. Extroverts need that external processing and introverts underestimate how much we get our social needs met from distanced encounters for limited times in public spaces. That brings us to loneliness.
Lonely. This might be the emotion that’s really surfacing and hardest to assuage during quarantine fatigue. Have you tried dating during quarantine? Um, that’s a creative process. Is it even worth it, is it safe? A jam session on Zoom is…awkward. That graduation celebration over Skype? A little anti-climactic, but better than nothing. That birthday caravan of cars that someone special orchestrated for you? So bittersweet, so close but so far. That loved one who’s sick and you can’t be with? Terrifying and agonizing.
Now more than ever we are in contact with our existential aloneness. If you’ve been a meditator or a Buddhist, it’s not new, but a lot of us never think about our mortality or our relative aloneness. If you’re in this camp, if you’ve lived your life running from one event to another, this pandemic has become a crash course in existentialism. Even if you’re with your family or housemate, who has been driving you bonkers, you’re probably more in contact with the idea that, in one way, we are all alone on this planet orbiting the sun. However, there’s freedom in that. There’s liberation in coming home to ourselves, in tolerating our loneliness and making it cozy so that we can truly be with others—whether virtually or in person—without treating them like an extension of our own needs.
When we’ve had our fair share of loneliness, can we make social distancing plans that are smart? Can we arrange small visits with people we know have been doing their part to limit exposure and be safe? Can we communicate with our housemates to devise plans that protect everyone in our immune bubble and honor everyone’s safety? Can we truly keep a healthy distance, stay outdoors, wear our masks when inside or in close proximity and wash our hands when we need social contact? Can we weigh whether someone is exposure-worthy (think Elaine from Seinfeld when sponges were scarce…are they sponge-worthy?)? It’s not ideal, but it’s totally doable.
Tired. Being on video chat platforms for work, school or social interaction and then relying on movies and tv for entertainment is tiring not only for our eyes, but our brains. We aren’t designed to process information digitally. It can make us feel lost in space, ungrounded, anxious. I find that I can often only do one major thing per day instead of my normal flow of productivity to move from one thing to another. Doing something in my body every day helps with this. I need to connect more strongly than ever to walking, building, cooking, exercising…anything that forces me to use my body in real space and time.
It can be easy to get lost in a YouTube or video hole now more than ever. Pretty soon hours have gone by if you’re not tracking. Set limits on tv/computer time to keep sleep hygiene. It’s important now more than ever to get a good night’s sleep, to limit the blue glow of electronics at night so that our brains can produce melatonin for a good rest. Do whatever routine helps your body know it’s time to sleep, like brushing teeth, washing face, turning off electronics, reading in bed, tea, etc.
I’m not a marathon runner. I have low persistence and get bored with monotony. But, I can do anything with enough mile-markers and motivation. I know I’m in this for the long-haul. So, I have to let go of knowing when the end is or when I’ll be done. I have to put one foot in front of the other and let go of outcome. I need to pace myself, rest, cry or get angry when I need to. There is rejuvenation in the surrender. We can’t fight this. We must relate to this. And that’s a hero’s journey. We will be challenged and changed. And, with some openness, we can be changed for the better.
